Weapon Encounters of the Third Kind
by Toboe LoneWolf
Summary: Tenten, Weapons Mistress. She uses weapons of all kinds, conventional and unconventional, ranging from anvils to stuffed teddy bears. And you'd better believe that she can. Series of vignettes 5: Paper, AKA: Read or Die
1. Anvil

_Summary_: Tenten, Weapons Mistress. She uses weapons of all kinds, conventional and unconventional, ranging from anvils to stuffed teddy bears. And you'd better believe that she can. (Series of vignettes about the various weapons Tenten uses. XP)

Toboe LoneWolf: Because Tenten can use bombs like zomg. XP The sheer variety of weapons Tenten can use is just way too much fun to think about. This is fic is basically going to be one-shots/drabbles on weapons Tenten uses – but the reaaaaally unconventional kinds, like anvils. XP There may be pairings, because weapons bondage using whipped cream or other things is "teh awesome." XDXD Some may be humorous, some not. And some of them may be AU, because I have _got_ to have Tenten using nuclear weapons ('nuff said). But they're all going to have really fun weapon pawnzoring, creative crazy Tenten-style.

That said, this particular chapter. Because I couldn't get the idea out after my fic _Whipped_. Because it's a classic cartoon gag. And because Tenten dropping Big Huge Heavy Whopping Things would be "teh awesome."

_Disclaimer_: Toboe LoneWolf does not own _Naruto_. The dude named Kishimoto does, and I'll bet he owns a kunai somewhere. Or maybe a katana. XP

* * *

**Weapon Encounters of the Third Kind**

_Weapon: Anvil_

_Anvil:  
a sturdy piece of iron onto which heated metal is placed to be beaten into the required shape, especially by a blacksmith_

A shinobi should be learned in the way of traps. How to recognize them, how to avoid them, how to get out of them if you didn't avoid them, and how to set them yourself. In the Academy, they learned the typical snares and nooses and foottraps, pitfalls and deadfalls, trip wires and hangings, genjutsu triggers and regular triggers, and how to use the surrounding landscape to create a trap.

Neji was fairly certain anvils were not on the list. Anywhere.

Nevertheless, Tenten was trying to convince her genius teammate that yes, using anvils was a feasible idea, and he should help her test such usage in practice today, to gauge its range and effects and…possibilities. And so forth.

"Come on, Neji! It'd be awesome! See, the guy trips the wire, and then boom! It crashes down on him!" Tenten waved her arms, demonstrating just how big a crater she expected to create.

Lee, of course, was all for it.

"Yes Tenten! Let us crush him with the supreme weight of youth!" Lee pumped his fist, turning to Neji to join in with the enthusiastic arm waving. "Come Neji! Show the power of youth!"

Neji twitched his eyebrow. "I'm fairly certain that using anvils will…render the person incapable of showing any 'youthful spirit.' Permanently."

Tenten rolled her eyes. "That's the _point_."

Neji closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. "Let me get this straight. You want to try setting up a new trap. A deadfall trap. A deadfall trap using an…anvil. And your primary reason for doing so is because it would be 'awesome' and would create a very large crater."

"Yeah?"

"Do you just like big explosions?"

Tenten blinked. "Well, yeah." She tilted her head. "Not that I don't appreciate silent attacking, it has it's own thrill and all; but sometimes it's just fun to set off a great big 'boom.' "

"You do realize this has no practical use at all?"

Tenten grinned. "Oh come on, Neji. Anything can be a weapon in my hands."

**x x x x x**

Just three missions later, Neji was forced to reconsider the practical use of anvils. He looked at the last line of the report he needed to fill out.

_Means of Elimination (if applicable):_

He recalled the vision of Tenten standing proudly at the center of the blacksmith's shop, their target taken down.

Very down.

Very squished down.

"Hey, it went even deeper than when we tried it!" Tenten bent down and looked at the dent. Roughly she measured the depth with her hands. "About three hands width. Awesome!"

"Yes Tenten! You have stopped him with the weight of youth!" Lee cheered.

Neji just stared. They'd been chasing their target when he'd run into the blacksmith shop, and with its crowded surroundings their target had an unlimited supply of weapons. For some time their target had been able to avoid all of their attempts to bring him down, being disturbingly uncanny at avoiding their attacks, able to dodge even precision strikes.

Until Tenten dropped the anvil on him.

In slow-motion, as all such recollections are, the impending doom of the anvil had come down on the man with deliberate finality. Neji had still had his hand out in a Jyuuken strike as the man collapsed under the heavy weight. Tenten dropped down from the shop's rafters, grinning madly.

With a sigh, Neji finished his report.

_Means of Elimination (if applicable): Death by falling anvil. _


	2. Chili Pepper

Toboe LoneWolf: Yaysers. This also happens to be a contest entry to the LJ ten-squared community monthly theme. To which I say: Defy convention! (W00t!) XP Okay, so I'm totally going for the what-was-Toboe-_on?_ here instead of seriousness. Because bah, that's for a different chapter.

_Disclaimer_: Toboe LoneWolf does not own Naruto, and I'll leave it up to your own imagination as to whether I actually own this weapon or not. XP

* * *

_Weapon: Chili Pepper  
AKA: ZOMG Riot Spraaaaaaay—_

_Pepper Spray:_  
_You have a right to protect and defend yourself. Pepper spray is simple to use, effective, inexpensive, environmentally friendly and your best non-lethal defense.  
Molded Key Chain Sprayer: $12.95!_

By normal standards, the situation would be called a date. A girl cooks some food for a guy, and asks how it tastes. The guy, if wishing to remain intact, will reply with compliments.

Such was not the case for Tenten.

No, such an arrangement was called: Weapons Experimentation and Analysis.

Such was the sight before Neji as he walked into Tenten's kitchen. Tenten was hovering over Lee, who was shoveling some (possibly noxious) concoction into his mouth. She was peering closely, taking some sort of notes on her clipboard, nodding as Lee poured out praise.

"Tenten-san! This is good!"

"Great! I'm getting better at this. Okay, how about this one?" Tenten slid over another plate of (was that _bubbling?_)…something.

"Yes!" With glee, Lee attacked the contents on said plate.

Neji blinked twice. There had been some sort of oddity today when, after training, Neji had seen Tenten browsing around Konoha's food market, examining each stall's contents extremely closely, before leaving with a bag full of various jars and vegetables. Usually, when Neji saw Tenten at the market, she'd head straight towards one or two stalls, buy her things off a list and leave, quickly and efficiently. Normally Neji would shrug the observation off, except that later in the day Neji had received a disturbing phone call from Lee.

"Neji-kun! Tenten-san has invited me to dinner, and I could not help but think of you, my most honored and esteemed rival!"

And thus Neji was significantly disturbed to pay Tenten a visit.

"Oh, hey Neji!"

Because Tenten and voluntary cooking for another person could mean only one thing:

"Lee's helping me test something!"

Something explosive.

Neji scanned the kitchen. Nothing significantly wrong; a pile of left-open jars and some scattered rice but nothing that blared, "I AM DANGEROUS." (The rack of knives on the wall notwithstanding…)

(Later Neji would have to amend aforementioned statement. _Everything_ in the kitchen was dangerous.)

Neji still had not moved from the kitchen doorway. "Tenten…what are you testing?"

Tenten smiled. "Ah. Remember that Curry of Life shop that Sanshou-baasan ran? And that really hot curry she made the first night?"

…How could Neji forget? He'd almost collapsed at the burning, raging pain that somehow inflamed every single part of his body. He'd had suspicion that even his hair had increased their temperature by a few significant degrees. He had absolutely no idea how Lee survived eating it, or even _liked_ it, unless Lee had dysfunctional taste buds or for some inexplicable reason had trained for this. Somehow.

"Well, I thought about using those hot spices in some sort spray. 'Cause it really knocks you out. I was thinking of spraying it into the eyes with a water bottle or something, or try incorporating it with exploding tags."

"…And Lee is here…?"

"He's helping me test how hot it is." Seeing Neji's raised eyebrow, Tenten shrugged and walked over towards him. Tilting her head slightly she whispered into Neji's ear. "I'm measuring how red his face gets. I know he doesn't have working taste buds."

Lee's face was _bright pink_. How much redder could it _get?_

"I'm waiting until he looks like a red bell pepper."

…This might take awhile.

Lee paused in his eating. "Tenten-san, what are you putting in this most wonderful curry? It has a most pleasant sensation that tingles!"

Tenten flipped to a few pages on the back of her clipboard. "Well, I did a bit of research, and the burning sensation comes from Capsaicin. It's basically a neurological reaction, stimulates thermoreceptor nerve endings in the skin, especially mucus membranes, so you get the crying and running and all that. Red Savina peppers have a lot of it; Habanero peppers too, and there's a few newly cultivated peppers that really rack up a punch, and of course you can use pure capsaicin extract, which would be the hottest stuff, sixteen million Scoville units. I'm trying varying combinations of those, since it's oil-soluble and I want to get a mist effect. Oh yeah, and since it's oil-soluble it can't be washed away with water; that just spreads it around. Awesome stuff."

Never get around Tenten when she goes into research-weapons mode.

"You finished, Lee? Okay, lemme try another combo." Taking a glance at her clipboard, she began shifting through the jars of seasoning and ground peppers and spooned out various spices, liquids, and other things Neji couldn't name. He did notice the generous spoonful Tenten dispensed from the "Pure Capsaicin" bottle.

"Okay! Try this." She slid over the plate. It was bright red. Neji felt an ominous cloud incoming.

With eagerness Lee took up his spoon and took a happy bite.

Pink…pink…pinker…

"KAAAANPPAAAAAAI!"

**x x x x x**

Team Gai was running.

"Oh beauteous ray of sunshine, but let me taste your cherry-red lips and I shall—"

_"HELL NO!"_

Why, oh why, had their target been seen in a tavern and turned into such an idiotic love-struck buffoon?

An idiotic love-struck buffoon that had become fixated on Tenten the moment Team Gai entered said establishment to capture him?

The only possible positive point to this insane mission number twenty-three was that there was no need to forcibly bind and tie him; their target came most willingly. Well, chasing really. And, Team Gai prayed, only when drunk. And if it wasn't for the fact that they were making extremely good time and their mission parameters required that their capture remain unharmed, well…

"Oh dewdrop of diamonds, oh epitome of flowers, oh woman with wondrous rounds of buns—"

_"THAT'S **IT!**"_

Tenten screamed bloody murder. Lee and Neji shared Tenten's sentiment and turned to watch the show.

The man, oblivious, leapt towards Tenten with open arms. Tenten whipped out something and aimed towards the infuriating man. Neji saw a spray of something hit the man's face.

The change was instantaneous. The man broke down crying, coughing, and hacking, tears streaming down his face, even more than both Gai and Lee's output potential of tears combined. Howling, the man scrubbed at his face, only to scream harder as the oils spread. He heaved, he blubbered; he was, all in all, a very sad man.

Tenten grinned and looked at the mister bottle in her hand. "Wow. This is awesome stuff. Maybe I can incorporate this pepper spray into some sort of simple hand device or something…"


	3. Flashlight

Toboe LoneWolf: Okay, I'm totally serious in this chapter. Absolutely serious. Seriously serious. Most definitely serious. Dare I hint at sarcasm? XDDDDD

Disclaimer: Toboe LoneWolf does not own Naruto. Seriously.

* * *

_Weapon: Flashlight  
AKA: Illumination of Enlightenment (Or Something Thereabouts)_

_Flashlight:  
Let there be light!_

It was becoming a more and more frequent occurrence. Before leaving to go off on a mission, Team Gai made their rendezvous meeting place at Ichiraku. It was in a central location, easy to find, and…well, if they were going to wait, they might as well wait at Ichiraku.

And where Ichiraku is, there Naruto be also. Or so the saying goes.

"Ne, ne, so what's your mission, fuzzy brows?" Naruto slurped more ramen.

Lee grinned. "We have been called to enlighten a man living in most lonely solitude with the springtime of youth!"

"Wha?"

"We have orders to capture a man in the outskirts of Fire country. We have suspicion to believe he may have had contact with the black market." Neji crossed his arms, leaning against Ichiraku's outside wooden post.

Naruto nodded sagely even though he had no idea why Konoha would take such a mission. He swallowing loudly, smiling as he felt the ramen go down. He looked around as he bent his head to take another bite. "Hey, where's that weapons girl…you know, bun girl, bon bon, no wait—"

"Tenten." Neji turned to look down the street. "She wanted to get something…"

"OKAY GUYS, LET'S GO!"

"AAAAAAHH!"

Naruto leapt up and screamed as he saw a bright, lit up face in a halo of white looming in front of him, with scary round horns and a devilish grin.

Then the horror receded and Naruto saw Tenten with an impish grin, shining a flashlight up at her face.

"Haha, got you!" Tenten laughed, tilting her flashlight right at Naruto.

Naruto made a face as he shielded his eyes (and bowl). "You almost made me spill my ramen!"

Tenten ignored Naruto's complaint and switched off her flashlight, resting it on her shoulder. She waved at her teammates. "Okay! Let's go!"

Neji frowned. "You went back to get a flashlight?"

Tenten shrugged. "Figured it could be useful at nighttime. We're still within Konoha borders, and this isn't a huge stealth mission so it's not like the light would ruin our mission if we use our heads. Lot easier to use a flashlight than waste chakra."

"Yeah, well, then you'd better not try pulling that joke on him," Naruto grumbled, back to slurping his ramen. "No one would really fall for that."

"Well, no…" Tenten mused. "But I'd bet this would!"

_Bonk!_

"OW!"

"I could always use the flashlight as a club!"

"Yes, Tenten-san! Let us use the flashlight of youth!"

"…Can we go now…?"

**x x x x x**

Every so often, Tenten would get obsessed with some particular object or weapon.

"What? I _could!_"

"That is not the proper use of a flashlight."

"Screw proper. Come _on_, Neji. It could totally work."

"…We are not going to test unusual application of objects during a mission."

"You're no fun." Pause. "I have _got_ to teach you. Lee, you're with me, right?"

And there would be no dissuading her.

**x x x x x**

Neji closed his eyes, relaxing his Byakugan. "He's on the northwest side, 21 degrees, facing towards the small side window. Papers in the desk south of him, two meters away, 17 degrees. The ones we likely need are in the third bundle from the top. Drugs in the cabinet underneath his desk, locked in a box, easy enough to break. Simple traps near front door."

Lee and Tenten nodded. Team Gai was hiding in the bushes near their target's house. It was nighttime, and true to Tsunade's description, the area around their target's house was completely deserted except for the wildlife (which included squirrels, much to Lee's delight). Lee raised his hand. "Right. Formation, Neji-kun?"

"Aa," Neji narrowed his eyes, planning. "Tenten, break open the window. Lee, be her backup. If you can, take him down. I'll go in from the front; I'll have the easiest time working past the traps. That way, we'll trap him inside, if needed."

Tenten gave a thumbs-up. "Okay. Lee, let's go."

Lee gave a thumbs-up as well (this time with a shiny _ping!_) and started tiptoeing away. "Yes. Sneakily."

Tenten rolled her eyes and followed. Leaping up into the night sky the two of them landed softly on top of their target's roof. Tenten reached behind her buns, pulling out a set of lock-picks. Placing one in between her teeth, she twisted over, using chakra to support her as she turned upside down to work on the window's locks.

Lee knelt down. "How is it?"

Tenten whispered through the metal in her mouth. "Aa, easy enough. One more turn and…ha! We're in." Tilting her head, she listened carefully. "Neji's through too."

"Ready, then? Let's go."

Tenten shushed Lee. "No, wait. I've got an idea."

"What?"

"Something to make things a lot faster…and perhaps more interesting. Besides, Neji's already through by now."

"Eh? Tenten-san, what are you—"

"AHOY, MISTER! WE'RE ON TO YOU!"

_"Tenten!"_

"MWUHAHAHAHAHA!"

Lee never thought such an evil laugh could come out of his teammate's mouth. Something so devious and diabolic should never come out of their precious flower! And their precious flower should not smile in such a twisted way, nor should she abuse the use of the flashlight of youth in the name of trickery!

(Although perhaps using the light and power of youth was a good thing, Lee supposed. For a microsecond.)

"SO COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP! OR I'LL EAT YOU!"

_"Aiiiyiiiiieeeeee!"_

Neji had no idea of what was happening outside. He'd made it inside, and the cool breeze told him that Tenten had succeeded in opening the window. Footsteps padding softly, he advanced towards the bedroom.

Then all of sudden there was light coming out of the bedroom, and Tenten yelling something, and their target running and screaming towards him. Automatically Neji slammed his palm into their target's stomach, effectively knocking him out. Confused, Neji dragged him back towards the bedroom.

"Oi Neji, you got him?" Tenten slipped into the room through the window. A flashlight, still turned on, was in her right hand. "Hah. Told you; it really _did_ work."

Neji frowned. "What worked?"

Then he remembered.

He'd forgotten to forbid her to use—

"The flashlight!"

Tenten grinned and brought the flashlight back up to her face. By whatever laws of optical physics Tenten's face was retransformed to the terrible face with gaping hollow black eyes, elongated fangs, pale, whitened skin and smoky background (however _any_ of that was possible).

"Hah, fright by light."


	4. Milk

Toboe LoneWolf: A bit settled in Tenten surprising her teammates with anvils and flashlights? Never fear, for one thing's for sure: this fic strives to do the weird and unexpected. The only constant shall be Tenten and a weapon. XD

_Disclaimer_: Toboe Lonewolf does not own _Naruto_, or Kishimoto, or an anvil. Toboe does own a flashlight, although you can be sure that Toboe has never ever used a flashlight so diabolically as Tenten did last chapter. Absolutely not. XP

* * *

_Weapon: Milk  
AKA: Don't...Got Milk?_

_Milk:  
Highly nutritious, versatile food, enjoyed in its natural form and in a wide range of food products, which include cream, butter, yogurt, cheese, and ice cream_

Once in a while, Tsunade would create a team specifically for a certain mission, instead of sending already established teams. Sometimes it was because they were the only ones available, sometimes it was because they had special talents suited for the mission, and sometimes they were…uniquely suited due to physical characteristics.

This particular mission was the third kind.

"I really don't get why I'm here."

Ino put her hands on her hips. "No way, you've got the body, and there's this unique charm to you…ya know, that whole innocent-half-clumsy-possibly-dangerous-sharp-pointy-object image. Some guys totally dig that kind of stuff."

Tenten blinked. Several times.

She half-thought Hinata would've been a better idea, except that Hinata had blanched white right from the start and Tsunade had to make a readjustment.

Their mission? Question one man, name of Ishida Kanaye, on his political ties. He happened to be a popular party man, which was why he had so much political influence, although all of it was behind the scenes. He also happened to be a very cautious man, always making sure that there were bodyguards present, that he didn't offend anyone, that he never went tipsy from alcohol and thus possibly say something he shouldn't, and that he couldn't be poisoned or drugged.

…Yes, "couldn't." Not "wouldn't."

In that aspect, he was more of a paranoid man. He had so many charms and antidotes and built up resistance that he was practically immune to every common poison known to man, and even a great deal of shinobi-used drugs as well. Only the incredibly rare, incredibly difficult poisons were possibilities.

"This guy is so _paranoid_," Sakura said as she flipped through the medical records they'd dug up on the man. "I mean, I suppose he has the right to; he's gotten treatment for so many poisoning attempts that it's insane, but seriously…what kind of man is "immune" to ingested cyanide? Is that even _possible?_"

Ino shrugged. "You're the med expert."

"I suppose it's technically possible, but you have to carry a kit with you _everywhere_…"

Tenten reached over and grabbed the papers. "So what are we going to do then? Waltz right in to a party, get Ino to seduce him to some secluded corner and Sakura can bash him over the head?"

Sakura slumped and propped her head on her hands, her elbows thunking on the wooden table. "Looks like it. I suppose you can interrogate him, Tenten."

"Well then, that's a perfect plan." Ino flipped her ponytail, snapping into a pose. "Obviously."

Sakura groaned and let her face fall onto the table.

"Hey, watch it, forehead girl. Just because you have a big one doesn't mean you have to bash it for real."

Ensue best-kind-of-friend-girl-fighting number five thousand and twenty two. Tenten thought.

Well, maybe they had to relieve a bit of the tension. Even if Ino pretended that the seduce-and-bash strategy would work, they all knew that was far too dangerous for them to use. Kanaye was far, far, too cautious when dealing with ladies; he stayed strictly with paid ones and would definitely not fall for a girl he met at a party. That strategy would take weeks or months to build up supposed trust, and the girls didn't have time for that. They needed _some_ way of luring the man out and getting him willing to answer questions, without injuring him so that his answers would be coherent and not concussion-filtered…

Sticking her tongue out a bit as she browsed through the papers, she came across an interesting tidbit of information. She picked up a pencil.

Over the din of fighting, Tenten said, "Hey, Sakura…you're good with genjutsu, right?"

The eye-glare fest broke off as Sakura turned. "Yes, why?"

"I've got a better plan, and one that's potentially less dangerous and doesn't require us to wait for the guy to wake up for questioning after we've bashed him over the head. Here, this is what I've got…"

**x x x x x**

Tenten had to give major points to Ino. Her obsession for makeup had its payoffs; their team was totally transformed into overly-painted ladies that Tenten could barely recognize her teammates. Being suspected of kunoichi? How?

Of course, Tenten managed to weave in thirty senbon in strategic places, strap on kunai shoulder-sheathes, and hide a tanto in her socks. And she carried a tesson.

Never even _consider_ Tenten without a weapon.

Ino had managed to sidle up to Kanaye, already putting her plays on him. Tenten caught the tail-end of the sentence as she walked up to them, carrying a tray of drinks.

"…Really, Kanaye, I must insist! Oh! Would you like to have a drink?" Ino pointed an elegant finger at the pair of drinks Tenten brought. With a slight giggle she picked one up, and Kanaye followed, smiling (in Tenten's opinion) disgustingly at Ino. Ino looked at the tiny cup of sake.

"Ah, a shame this is only Nigorizake sake, but perhaps the better ones shall come later, hmmm?" She sipped it. "Though it _is_ sweet."

Tenten bowed, and drew away, and out of the corner of her eye she saw Sakura making the almost invisible seals in her corner, beginning her genjutsu to mask the taste and sight of the sake Kanaye drank. Even though the jutsu would have to take effect over the course of the party, it would be very little strain on Sakura, since the…"sake"…Tenten served was similar in color and taste.

They came and went; Kanaye continuing to drink, Tenten continuing to mix, and Sakura continuing to mask their deception. The effects would be seen thirty minutes to two hours.

The beauty of their plan was the incredibly low risk. Any part the three of them played could be picked up by another, and it was entirely specific to only Kanaye – no one else in the party would fall for the kunoichi's trick.

As time passed, poor Kanaye became more and more visibly ill, and he drank even more to perhaps ward it off, and well…that only made it worse.

He professed retirement three hours later, and they cornered him as he cried in the tiny bathroom, and denied him relief.

As he curled up in abdominal pain and cramps, his head reeling in nausea, bent over as the three kunoichi interrogated him, the only detriment was the smell.

Well. They went on the other side when that came along anyway.

**x x x x x**

Tsunade had a hand over her mouth, and Sakura was certain there was a smile behind it. The three kunoichi were standing in front of the Godaime, finishing giving their verbal report.

"I see." Tsunade picked up the papers with Kanaye's confession. "How _did_ you come up with such a plan?"

Tenten grinned, her eyes sparkling with the same sort of prankster mischievousness that Tsuande remembered from her younger sannin days.

"I read that he's lactose-intolerant. Very, very, lactose-intolerant."


	5. Paper

Toboe LoneWolf: Whee, more applications of unusual objects for weaponry by Tenten! This happens to be a contest entry for the ten-squared livejournal community. It also happens to be inspired by another anime/manga and if by the end of this you do not know, I command thee to enlighten thyself on pain of Tenten's anvil. XDDDD

Disclaimer: Toboe LoneWolf does not own Naruto. He is owned by Kishimoto. Unless you're a rabid shipper. Then he's owned by your respective ship. XP

* * *

_Weapon: Paper  
AKA: Read Or Die_

_Paper:  
One of the four great inventions from China_

A new year, a new class, a new set of fresh young shinobi wanna-bes.

Iruka rubbed the scar across his nose as he saw paper airplanes fly by, two boys in the back jump over the desks to fight over what Iruka thought was Boy B's hair (he hadn't learned their names yet), the girls were screaming over the boy's immaturity, and he swore he heard an explosion three classrooms down (he really hoped that teacher would stay for at least a week; they were running out of substitutes). Why did he do this?

Oh yeah. He liked the little brats.

With ninja-trained senses and the weighty experience of a shinobi teacher, Iruka heard spitballs plaster themselves on the chalkboard behind him.

…He liked them…theoretically.

Taking a deep breath, Iruka yelled, "SHUT UP!"

The classroom fell silent at the improper words their sensei had just said. A grown-up should never speak like that!

Iruka glared. "Normally, I'd send you off to weapons practice now. _But_," he emphasized, as he could see the tiny little students were eager to run, "Before that, we're having someone special speak to us now."

The groans were unanimous. They wanted to go play with sharp pointy things, right _now_, and not sit in some boring old wooden classroom one more _microsecond_. Iruka couldn't blame them. At that age, sharp pointy objects were _cool_.

…Considering who was going to speak to them, some things never grow old.

Iruka walked over to the (triple locked) door. "Alright. Come on in, Tenten."

The perky chuunin in pink grinned, just outside the doorway. "Oh goodie." She poked her head inside. "Did you reinforce the back of the classroom like I told you? And the desk?"

"With three inches of extra plywood."

Tenten tilted her head to look back at Iruka, and her grin grew even wider. "Great." With a smile Tenten stepped into the class, waving. "Hey, kiddies. I'm the token spokesperson who's gonna reintroduce you to the wide and wild world of weaponry."

Iruka stood back and leaned against the doorway. This was perhaps the highlight of the day – minus the smiling faces of the kids as they left the Academy (he couldn't help but like the little ones.) Tenten was a good person to do this; the kids would hear from _her_ what they wouldn't hear from _him_.

Tenten walked to the front of the room, behind the desk. She propped her hands on her hips and surveyed the room. More or less alert, not quite dead, and in general paying attention. Not bad for a first day.

"Okay, I'm going to make this quick."

Her eyes gazed across the class. "Weapons. No shinobi is without one. We carry them, we use them, and we kill with them. And in the end, we shinobi are weapons themselves, the weapons of this village." She paused for emphasis. "You are second years, and thus have had some moderate training in weapons. This year, however, you will learn more than just how to use them."

She flicked her wrist, and like magic, sheets of paper fanned out. She held them up to her face, her eyes peering over the stiff edges.

Her eyes now turned darker, her wrist rotating as she turned her makeshift paper fan, the light reflecting over the curved, glossy surface. "We are shinobi, trained in deception. The obvious weapons may not be available to us. We must learn to use anything and everything as a potential weapon, along with the art of concealing weapons themselves."

_Fwwwip!_

Heads whipped around to see an arrowhead formation of paper in the back wall of the classroom, one corner edge of each paper embedded into the wood, at least two inches in. But it was just _paper_; paper didn't _do_ that, so it _had_ to be genjutsu or something but that wasn't fair and there hadn't been any seals and why wasn't Iruka-sensei _doing_ anything, maybe it wasn't genjutsu because the canceling techniques they learned last year weren't working but that meant the paper was _real_—

"To alter. To deceive." The voice in the front of the room turned even more serious. "To find a way to turn something ordinary into something lethal. _That_ is part of your life as shinobi."

The students slowly turned back to the scary woman in pink. Tenten waved another piece of paper.

"A piece of paper, yes." She wiggled it, and it flapped slightly. "But merely? No. You are used to paper being used for explosive tags and scrolls, and test papers and airplanes and spitballs." Tenten raised an eyebrow, her eyes flitting to the little paper balls stuck onto the chalkboard and some of the students shrank down in their seats. "You have been engrained that this is all paper can be used for."

She slammed her hand down, and the paper's edge sank into the wooden desk.

"A thin, clear blade applied to the edges of the paper. Deceptive, easy to hide, and who would fear a piece of paper?"

The paper folded over, but the edge was firmly implanted into the desk, and so it curled in on itself.

"This year, you will learn to turn anything into a weapon. You are shinobi, and you are a weapon, and everything you know can be used as a weapon. Even…" With deliberate exaggeration Tenten drew a scroll. "A single sheet of paper." The student's eyes grew wide as she unraveled it, the glyphs on the paper looking black and foreign and intimidating.

_"Hyi-up!"_

All of the kids screamed and covered their heads.

"…Oh geez, I'm not that cruel. I just wanted to wake you up; some of you were looking a bit glazed over."

The kids peeked underneath their arms. Tenten winked, the paper scroll snapping shut. With a casual twirl she sheathed the scroll. And smiled.

Oh gods _yes_, that woman in pink was _scary_.

With a simple tug she plucked the piece of paper out from the desk. Tenten waved perkily at the students, her serious side seemingly vanished. Iruka smiled as Tenten walked out the classroom, the students still in shock. Tenten had a…way with kids.

"Have fun, guys!"

Tenten flicked her fingers.

Iruka felt a breeze.

…

A lock of dark brown hair fell to the floor and a piece of paper cracked the glass window.

…

"TENTEN YOU DID _NOT_ DO WHAT YOU JUST DID!"

…

Tenten laughed as she ran out of the school, Iruka yelling out of the classroom window. Oh come on, why couldn't she just have some good old school-time fun terrorizing students and teachers alike?


End file.
